27: Why Finding "Your People" Feels So Hard in Midlife

Get the Midlife Sleep Sanctuary

If midlife has you feeling lonelier, more disconnected (even from longtime friends), or like you suddenly don’t fit like you used to - you’re not imagining it, and you’re not alone.

In this episode, we explore the deep, often unspoken sense of not belonging that so many women experience in midlife. Our conversation goes beyond surface-level loneliness and dives into why belonging is a biological, nervous-system need, how early family dynamics shape our sense of safety, and why midlife can reactivate old “core wounds” of exclusion, rejection, and feeling like something is wrong with us.

If you’ve ever thought “I don’t fit anymore”, “I can’t find my people”, or “Why does this feel like high school all over again?” , this episode will help you understand what’s actually happening.

You'll discover:

• Why belonging is wired into our nervous system as a survival instinct, not a personality trait 
• How midlife hormonal and life transitions naturally change who we connect with, and why that can feel disorienting 
• How exclusion in adulthood can instantly take us back to being 12 years old and “not invited to the party” 
• The hidden stress created by modern nuclear family life versus how women evolved to live in community 
• Why some midlife women often crave deeper, more spiritually aligned connections - and lose interest in surface-level relationships 

If you want to find out how you can create a sense of belonging no matter who you're with or what room you're in, come to our mini-online retreat: Where You Belong.  

Key Takeaways from this episode:

• Feeling like you don’t belong is not a personal failure, it’s a nervous-system response rooted in evolution.
• Midlife is an initiation into a new phase of life, and old relationships may no longer fit.
• True belonging isn’t just about finding the right people, it starts with feeling safe, secure and worthy within yourself.

References from this episode:

• Braving the Wilderness by  Brené Brown 

Join us in Costa Rica, October 2026 for our Retreat: Soul-Aligned - Design Your Extraordinary Next Chapter! Click here for details.

Find us on instagram:

 @midlifewomenrising

@jenreimercoaching

Transcript

@0:39 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Hey, Jen.

@0:41 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Hey.

@0:44 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

So I've noticed this thing, and I want to ask you about it.

@0:48 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Okay.

@0:49 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

In the last couple of weeks, I've noticed that our clients and also ladies who have come to my in-person circles and meditations and even some of my friends have been talking about how they feel like they can't find their people.

Like they can't find the – they have people in their lives, they have friends, but they can't find the ones they really connect with.

And I feel like this is – I feel like this is a – I don't want to say a trend, but something like common that either it's like a sign of the times or maybe it's a sign of our age.

What do you think? Have you noticed this?

@1:36 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yes, I have. Yeah, women talking about how now that their kids are going into university, they don't want to hang out with the hockey parents anymore.

They've realized that they're not – they don't really connect on anything other than the fact that their kids played a sport together.

They're soccer moms, whoever it is. And there's also research on this, that in midlife, women start to feel like they don't belong.

So first thing – And the reason Research that I've done on menopause at work, a lot of women feel like they don't belong at, not at work, but they don't belong with the younger circles anymore.

They feel like they're a little bit isolated because often they're feeling symptoms, especially brain, like if they're feeling the brain fog and the memory loss, they don't want to tell anybody because that might stall any future promotions.

And they don't even want to tell other midlife women because they just don't, it feels too vulnerable. So they can crack jokes about being in perimenopause, but actually saying what's truly going on, they tend to keep inside.

And so they feel like they don't belong with that younger crowd anymore. They don't, not necessarily youngins, but like just people who aren't yet in perimenopause.

And then outside of work, we are in both, in like. All areas of life. We know that the brain is going through a restructuring in perimenopause that makes you crave deeper meaning relationships.

@3:19 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yes. That's not what it is.

@3:25 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

And so those other relationships don't feel necessarily fulfilling anymore. They're just kind of boring. Yeah.

@3:32 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. And I wonder whether there's something around – well, there's certainly people in my life who I don't – like they're not searching for spiritual connection.

There's also – like at work, if I was in the corporate world right now, like when I was younger, we were going out after work and staying out until, I don't know, like 10, 11 o'clock at night.

@4:04 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Oh, yeah.

@4:04 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And even – Actually, had some friends recently who organized like a ladies dance thing, like just a fun, like, let's just go and dance at one of the yoga studios.

But they were starting at like 8.30 or something at night. And I was kind of like, well, I normally like to be home by nine.

So I don't really want to go and do that.

@4:30 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Well, that's not every not everybody goes to bed at nine o'clock when they hit their 50s. This is something I know like a lot of, a lot of women do.

And for us, like I get up at 5.30 in the morning because I practice yoga and or work out early in the morning.

So that's become much more important to me.

@4:52 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

But I think maybe that's one of the things that makes me feel like that's one of the things that I've noticed in common with the women that I do connect with.

We all tend to go to bed early because we want. We to get up and meditate. We don't want to drink.

Most of them don't drink. They might have a glass of wine or something, but we don't drink a ton because we don't want to waste the next day.

Almost everyone that I can say I do have that connection with, they all have the same habits as I do.

@5:29 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Right. Yeah, me too.

@5:32 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

So to me, I wonder whether there's something about that. To me, connection comes from connecting with your spirit, connecting with your spirituality.

And the people that I'm falling out of connection with are the ones who are maybe not as connected or maybe not seeking that.

@5:55 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah, they're not seeking it. That's my role too.

@6:01 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah.

@6:04 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Oh, ahead, Sheri. If you had something else to say, I had a question for

@6:07 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Um, no, I was just kind of still riffing on that, the commonalities. Like, I wonder whether that it's the women who still want to have a whole bunch of drinks are the ones who are still numbing their emotions.

They're still numbing that part of themselves that they don't, that they're too afraid to connect to. Um, you know, and that, and that's why they're, they're not heart open.

@6:36 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah. If they're doing that all the time. Yeah. I mean, of course I'm not judging people who go out and have a bunch of drinks every once in a while.

Like that's not, that's not it, but it is very, a very different experience to the one that you and I are both cultivating at the moment, which is connecting with our spirituality, or we've been doing this for a while, connecting with our spirituality and connecting with people who we have really good, deep conversations with.

@7:04 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And connecting with our spirituality and which is also connecting.

@7:08 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah, and nature and all of it. Yeah.

@7:13 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. So yeah, there's no judgment. I mean, I want people who listen to this podcast to never feel like they're judged.

There's no spiritual hierarchy. It's just different. It's just a different way of looking at life, looking through different lenses, different experiences, whatever.

@7:33 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Hmm. Yeah. So on this topic of feeling like you belong, why don't we start from the beginning and talk about, so now we know that there are many midlife women who feel like they don't belong.

@7:50 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

So where does it come from?

@7:52 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Why are we feeling this way other than knowing that there is this sort of, it's not a divide, but it's a trend.

Like there are women who have gone through the transition and it's almost like if we see. And menopause as an awakening or an initiation into the next phase of life, then it's sort of like, it's harder to connect with people who aren't, who haven't gone through that.

So there might be that aspect of it. And certainly that was what the workplace research was telling me, was that it's becoming, it was becoming harder to connect with those people who hadn't gone through that transition.

@8:33 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

What else?

@8:34 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

What else are they? I'm trying to decide. My question is, what else are they feeling? Or where does this lack of belonging, this sense, come from?

@8:47 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Well, I think you touched on a pretty major one, which is like, we are going through a major life transition when you move into your 40s.

And so there's going to be some massive shakeups. And that is like... That's happening because of our hormonal shifts, but it's also because we're going through this big transition.

It's sort of like, you know, the teenagers, when we were teenagers, there seemed like a big divide between in friendships.

When you were a teenager, chances are you probably didn't have friends who were eight or nine. Yeah. They were at a different, they just were at a completely different phase of life.

And when we move into our 40s and fertility starts to decline, kids start to get older, you're moving into a different phase of life.

And so you don't connect in the same way with people in their 20s and 30s. You don't have the same interests.

You don't have this, your energy is placed on different things. You're interested in different things. And that's perfectly natural.

And not to say that you can't have friends who are 20 years younger. Because I know people who do.

And I do. Yeah, I do too. And yet I tend to gravitate towards women who have gone through this transition because we have so much more in common and we're at the same phase of life.

Actually, Mel Robbins talks about this in The Let Them Theory. It talks about how there's three things that we need in order to create and really maintain close friendships.

And one of the things that makes it easy to maintain a friendship is you're in the same phase of life, the same transition, or the same, not even transition, but the same phase of life.

@10:51 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Right. Yes. And the other one is proximity. So to your point, like I'm feeling this right now because I'm in kind of this weird space where I want to hang out with women who are at my age-ish phase of life.

But I have a seven-year-old. So all the moms. spanning. So I, yeah. And so all the people I'm tending to make, because I moved to a new old town, I meet the people that I'm meeting have children who are seven.

So they're 15 years younger than me.

@11:29 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Mm-hmm.

@11:30 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

And it's different because I can, and I love them. But at the same time, it is, I don't, some of them I don't know that I would hang out with if we didn't have children the same age.

@11:43 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Mm-hmm. Yeah. So you're spanning two phases of life because you're still.

@11:48 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah. So I don't feel like I belong in either. I don't feel like I belong in either one.

@11:55 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Mm-hmm. You're not squarely in one or the other.

@11:59 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah. So I feel like I'm, like, this floater. Mm now I've become single again. So I'm, you know, I feel like I don't belong with.

With all the couples, because you know how people like to have an even number at dinner parties and stuff like that.

So I often feel like I don't belong in a lot of those crowds anymore either. So this sense of belonging or lack of this sense of belonging can be very pervasive.

@12:26 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yes. Yes. This is where I really started to examine belonging was in my childless phase. I'm still in that phase of life.

But when I was coaching childless women, and a lot of them were also single. And when you're in those two, one or both of those categories, it's not just a lack of belonging or loneliness.

It's actually feeling excluded, which you might also feel as a single woman, that people are having dinner parties and they don't invite you because they want an even number or because they're used to hanging out with couples.

And so you actually, it's not just a lack of belonging, it's actually feeling excluded.

@13:15 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah. When I first separated, or it wasn't, about six months after I separated, that we separated, one of our friends, male friends, said to me, find a dude so we can hang out again.

And I was like, what? I have to go find a guy just so that we can hang out again?

And he's married, like he meant like with him and his wife.

@13:40 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. He didn't mean like him and, yeah.

@13:42 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

So, and so now I'm always going, I wonder if they're having people over and they're not inviting me. So I go into a bit of a cycle of kind of like feeling like I'm in high school again.

@13:58 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. Yep. Wondering if people are having a party and I wasn't invited to it.

@14:03 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

It's like, I feel a bit embarrassed almost saying that. like, like, I'm I'm And I'm in my 50s, but you can go back there.

@14:11 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Well, and that's the core wound. That's where that core wound lives, is somewhere in most of us, somewhere in childhood, we have felt like we were excluded or like we didn't belong.

And not only that, but we made it mean something about us. Like we made it mean that there must be something wrong with me because I'm being excluded from the popular crowd.

Or, you know, for you and I, I remember our friends just decided we were no longer friends.

@14:46 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yes, our friends just abandoned us.

@14:50 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

So there's, there's usually, and it doesn't really matter. It's so interesting, actually, when I coach women through this, especially in one-on-ones, this is what really validates this for me, is that I remember distinctly one of my clients saying.

And when I asked what's coming up, and she said, this is going to sound so silly, but I feel like I'm back in high school again and trying to fit into the popular crowd, and I don't fit in, and I'm being excluded.

And so this is not just – what this is telling me is that most of us have this core wound of feeling at some point like we didn't belong, we didn't fit in, or we were excluded, like, advertently or not.

And we need – and we made that mean something about us, something about our worth, our self-worth tanked as a result of that.

And so now, even in adulthood, it feels so silly, you know. I did this the other day. I ran into someone, and she said, oh, okay, I'll see you tomorrow.

And I said, oh, what's tomorrow? Oh, we're all – We're all meeting at the, here, this place, and for so-and-so's birthday.

And I kind of went, oh, I didn't know about that. And she backpedaled and went, oh, I must have the different, I must have the wrong day.

@16:23 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Or something that was so transparent.

@16:25 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And I, like, there was a piece of me that was like, I wasn't invited to the party. Like, wasn't invited to the party.

And it takes you right back to when you were 12.

@16:37 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

I know. Actually, Tara Brock, who's a very renowned Buddhist teacher, talks about how it is a human experience. Like, every human in the world has felt like they didn't belong at some point.

And I was listening, the context of her saying that was actually during the Black Lives Matter. When all of...

That's what's happening in the States around, I have forgotten the name of the man who was killed by a police officer.

@17:13 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

George.

@17:14 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah. George.

@17:18 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

No, can't remember the last name. Anyway, our listeners are going to know who we're talking about.

@17:23 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah. And she was saying how to put yourself in their shoes is to go back and think of a time when you felt excluded on the playground, in high school, or whatever.

And then imagine that you feel that all the time, not just in that specific situation. Anyway, all that to say that it is a universal feeling that we all have.

@17:49 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. And, you know, Jen, like maybe coming to the, this is a good segue to the evolution of belonging, because that's really where it starts.

Yeah.

@18:01 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

I actually find this so interesting. So how does, what's the evolutionary. Yeah.

@18:08 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah, so it's all around belonging to your tribe. So this is root chakra energy. It's the first chakra. We've talked about chakras before.

This is the one that sits around the base of the spine. Right.

@18:30 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

It is the tribal chakra. Yeah.

@18:32 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

It's the root chakra. Yes. And so it's the one that develops first when we are babies because the first thing that we need is safety, security, and food.

Like we need to survive. Yeah. And so our first instinct, this first chakra develops so that we build a bond with the people who create safety and security and feed us and nurture us and keep us warm.

So from an evolutionary perspective, this was a survival instinct. You had to belong. If you didn't belong, or if you did something to upset the tribe and were threatened to be kicked out of the tribe, your survival was at stake.

It was very difficult. Our primal ancestors would have found it very difficult. It would mean almost certain death. If you were kicked out of the tribe, because you needed community, you needed the tribe to survive.

@19:42 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Well, and Sheri, as a baby, you won't survive without your tribe. No.

@19:50 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

No, you have to have your family around you. You have to.

@19:55 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Like human infants can't survive without the tribe. So, yeah, so it makes sense that this is an instinctual need.

Mm-hmm.

@20:05 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And even now Mm So when we feel threatened, when we feel like we don't belong, it's the same feeling.

Oh, no, I don't fit in. I'm not a part of the tribe. And that makes our – that fires up our nervous system.

We feel like we don't – that's – we feel lack of safety and security. Even though we have – like, we can survive in today's world, although arguably you can't.

mean, you still need to go to the store. Like, you can go in – you can live independently and go buy all the things you need, but you still rely on somebody in that store to collect all of the goods in the store and the farmers to – so we're still living in communities even if we're isolated.

We still have to rely on other people.

@21:00 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yes, I'm wondering if feeling – I think this is why When you feel like you don't belong in your own family, it feels even more hurtful than if you don't belong in your tribe at school or, you know, you don't fit in at work or wherever else you're playing.

I totally agree.

@21:26 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Because if you come home, if a child is at school and they don't belong or they feel like they don't belong, they can't fit in, and they come home to a safe place where they belong in their family, they feel nurtured, they feel secure, they feel safe there.

They feel like they can be open-hearted. They can talk to their parents. That belonging trumps belonging at school. If you feel like you don't belong at home, that is your root.

Like, that is totally shaking your roots.

@22:04 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

So you're going to have... A core wound, a belief about yourself, your entire life that you don't belong, that there's something, like, often that will also include, there's something wrong with me.

@22:22 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Mm-hmm. And that can be something like, you know, your parents are both really sporty, athletic, and you're not. I felt that way.

Yep. We two very athletic, yeah, two very athletic parents, another sister who is also athletic. They were interested in sports.

They were good at them. And I did not, at least I was not good at the sports that, like, team sports and sports that we were doing at school or sports that were available to us at the time.

@22:58 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah.

@22:59 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

I always felt like I can't come home and talk about how I was the last one chosen for the soccer team because nobody...

My family understands that.

@23:09 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah, except for me. Well, you.

@23:12 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yes.

@23:14 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

But it's still, but when you're, I know, but you know what? That brings up another point, though, that I think it's different.

There's a difference between not being accepted by your siblings and not being accepted by your parents, or not feeling accepted by your parents, or not feeling like you belong with your parents.

Because you need that connection with your, well, with your mother in particular.

@23:41 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And so if you don't feel that, you're going to feel, I think the feeling is a little bit different.

I agree. Yeah. I mean, it's your mother. We read about this in Mother Hunger. The first person that I was going to a bond with.

Yeah, it is your mother. So if you don't build a strong bond with her from infancy, then. then. don't then.

So And you may have this feeling like this lack of safety. And it's very subconscious. Like if you went and asked me when I was seven if I felt like I belonged with my family, I would have said, of course I do.

Like I wouldn't have understood that. It's only now looking back and reading about these things, researching them, getting an understanding of my own core wounds that I can look back and see.

I really didn't feel in certain aspects, I didn't feel like I belonged in that family.

@24:45 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

lot of, yeah, that requires quite a lot of self-awareness. Even five years ago, I wouldn't have thought about that.

It was actually only when you brought it up to me that I started to go, that was why I felt so uncomfortable in certain situations within our family dynamic.

@25:03 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

@25:06 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

I really felt that something was wrong with me then. I'm not sporty, so I was born defective.

@25:12 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yes, exactly.

@25:14 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

At that's what I decided.

@25:16 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. I would agree. The other thing that comes to mind is how much the way that our society is structured has changed from our primal evolutionary roots.

You know, we live in these nuclear families in all these little boxes or big boxes. And when you go inside and shut the front door, that is your space.

And we didn't used to live like that. Our ancestors lived much more openly. And, you know, we have this saying, it takes a village to raise a child.

We don't live that way. Like, I think people think we do because, no, but... Like when we raise children now, sure, you might have teachers and other parents may play a role, and aunts and uncles and grandmothers, but it's not the same as living in a tribal space where, you know, other mothers may be breastfeeding another child, or they may discipline child that's not theirs.

@26:31 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

A child that's not theirs, yes. Yeah.

@26:33 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Um, they spent a lot more time together. There weren't these divisions, like this is my family and my house, and I, we take care of us first.

@26:48 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Sheri, just to go on a slight tangent here, just think about that effect on your stress levels. Because way back, you had a community of women, or people, who were searching for food.

And if you didn't find berries today, somebody. Nobody else found something. Whatever they found, whatever they had. And they shared it.

That was the sharing, gifting economy. Now we have so much stress on ourselves because it's like, right now I'm like, if I can't make money, it's just me.

I mean, my ex as well, obviously he's helping, but there's so much pressure on just me.

@27:36 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Mm-hmm.

@27:37 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Which is probably what my sense of, my lack of, why can't I say this properly? Like why I'm feeling this sense of not belonging at the moment because even just living in my house every other night by myself feels wrong.

Like I get, I feel like a twang of fear when I'm in the house by myself versus when I'm in the house with my kid who will provide no protection for me.

Yeah. Después de ella me. Thank If something were to happen, but there's another body in there, in the, in here.

So that still feels more, that's so interesting, isn't it?

@28:16 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

That that still makes you feel more secure.

@28:20 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah. So imagine that, like what that does to our stress levels and women today, we, we keep thinking, oh, I'm not like, I've heard, I have friends who've said, I'm not really stressed right now.

Like things are good at work and whatever. And, but then it's like, but you're not thinking about all these other ways that we're stressed that, that didn't exist when our bodies evolved this way.

@28:44 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Exactly. Even things like when, when parents get sick, if you don't have the, like grandparents living close by or close friends or someone to like that, even relying on, you know, we talking about another issue, we, it, we find it so hard to rely on.

And. So. you. Our friends to like to ask them for help. I remember when one of my close friends got sick.

She ended up in the hospital for two weeks. And I had, she lived across the street. So I'm like, your husband needs to go be with you.

Send the kids over here. I will make them dinner. Get them settled. Go, like, go to the hospital. If you don't have that around you, then getting sick feels like a big stressor.

And the number of women that I know who just keep pushing through when they're sick because they got to take care of the kids.

Somebody does.

@29:49 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah. Especially when they're, when they're young ish or young or even like up, like even minus is seven. And she's, well, she's an only child, only child other than her 10, like stepbrother.

Who's or her brother. Who's 10 years. Um, anyway, she's basically an only child. And so she wants me to play with her and I have to take care of her.

And even when I'm sick, like I don't have much of a choice, especially now when we have since COVID, since flus and stuff that are so easily, um, why can't I get my words today?

Easily transmittable. Thank you. Transmittable. wanted to say transported to another person. couldn't get the right word. Um, that like our parents, our parents are really helpful, but they don't want her when she's sick.

@30:49 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Mm hmm. And I don't want them to get sick.

@30:54 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

So, but that, that was very different when we lived in tribes with, you know, thousands of miles in between tribes or whatever, where illness wasn't the same as it is today.

hmm.

@31:07 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And if you got sick, you had other people too. Like if you broke your leg, say, or something happened that you couldn't take care of your children, there's other people around that will be out in the tribe playing or going gathering with other women or whatever.

They're fine. Yeah. So there's an inherent level of stress on parents who live in these nuclear families that don't have that kind of support.

And yet this is so normal that we don't, it's, this is flying under the radar. Like we don't even realize that we have this kind of, of stress.

And then I'm also thinking about all of the single people who live out there by themselves. And how much additional fear are they experiencing every single night because they're alone in the house?

@32:04 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

And the fear of, well, then who's going to. Take care of me.

@32:09 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. Who's going to take care of me as I age.

@32:12 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Uh-huh.

@32:15 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah.

@32:15 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

So yeah, there's a lot of stress on when you don't belong or when you don't have people around you.

So do you think we can move on to, um, I want to know how to, how do we, what our listeners are probably thinking is, well, then how do I fix it?

Fix isn't the right word, but like, how do I, how do I get belonging?

@32:43 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Well, this is a, this is a piece of, of the Midlife Red Tent. We talk about belonging in the Red Tent.

We're going to be talking about it on our next mini retreat. So there's a process for feeling secure in yourself.

So part of it is, okay, so let me break this down. There's two types of belonging. There's the physical belonging and this feeling of belonging with other people, connecting with other people.

I see that as more of connection. And then there's also a feeling, Brene Brown calls this belonging to yourself, braving the wilderness.

And that is being so secure that when someone excludes you, your self-worth doesn't go to shards. It's, I belong so securely to myself that I feel like I can be authentically myself without trying to fit in and be like other people.

So that's a different kind, I feel like that's a different kind of belonging or different facet of it. Yeah.

@34:05 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah. There's a, there. There's physical belonging.

@34:10 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Do I actually have people around me?

@34:13 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

And then a feeling of belonging. And what I think is happening with many midlife women, or the part that we can help with, with midlife women, is the feeling of belonging, no matter where you are.

@34:31 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah.

@34:32 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

cultivating that sense of, I'm okay that I don't belong with that crowd, because they're not my people. And I feel a deep innate sense of belonging in this crowd.

And I don't make either of those things mean something about me. It doesn't mean I'm bad, that or I'm, something's wrong with me, because I don't belong with that crowd over there.

@34:55 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Mm-hmm.

@34:57 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

It's okay. Yeah.

@34:59 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And the other thing tying us back to midlife, we get to a point in our lives, generally when We hit midlife where we no longer, like, there's something that awakens within us that causes us to want to live more authentically and more true to ourselves.

And that means that we have to let go of fitting in. So we no longer, you know, it means we no longer go along with the opinions of everybody else in the room because we don't want to rock the boat.

@35:36 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Right.

@35:37 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

We share our authentic voice, which means I am fully secure in myself. And hopefully it's a safe enough place where I can share my differing opinion and I won't be kicked out of the tribe.

But I'm willing to risk that.

@35:57 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

So, Sheri, this is my theory. So, so we know this isn't, this part isn't theory, is that estrogen, when estrogen starts to serve.

In your bloodstream and in your brain, your brain goes, like in puberty, your brain goes through a restructuring that tells you to see the world in a relational, from a relational lens.

@36:18 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Minnie Peltz talks about that all the time in her podcast.

@36:21 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

There's lots of research around it. So there's a brain restructuring, or I shouldn't say lots of research, it's relatively new research.

Um, so then when we hit midlife and estrogen starts to decline, another restructuring goes on that tells us to stop serving everybody else.

And we don't have to take care of everybody else. And we don't have to foster all those relationships anymore.

So that part, we, we know my theory is that our bodies and our brains are now telling us to be more truly authentic, as you've been talking about.

But we have also been conditioned from all the messaging in our society today that tells us, no, no, you have.

You to keep serving everybody else. You have to keep all those relationships up, even if you don't want them, because it's unkind if you don't keep up those relationships.

And so you have to stay in touch with your college roommate, even though you really don't like them anymore.

You should say like them, but you really don't get along with them or really, truly connect with them anymore.

But you should stay with them.

@37:27 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

So we have all this conditioning that doesn't allow us to be authentic.

@37:31 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

And then, so then we don't feel like we can be our authentic selves and that puts stress on us, which causes symptoms.

And then we also feel like we don't belong because we're still trying to hang out with people that and serve everybody and keep these relationships going.

And it's actually not what our bodies want to do.

@37:51 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. Yeah. I think you kind of summed it up there.

@37:57 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Okay. So back to coming back, how to, yeah, how to cultivate it.

@38:02 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. So, like I said, there's so many steps to this. I'm going to share a couple of things. So one is finding the courage to let those relationships go that are no longer serving you, that no longer feel aligned.

Maybe they're even draining you. So, and going along with this year, we were just talking about the Chinese New Year coming up, and we are still in the year of the snake.

We are still in the year of the snake, which is all about shedding. So it's allowing yourself and finding the courage to let go of those, it doesn't matter whether it's those relationships that are no longer aligned and feeling okay.

There might be emotions that come with that, but feeling okay about that and opening up space for new relationships to arrive.

That do feel more aligned. You know what's really hard though?

@39:06 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

And I'm finding this in my life right now is being vulnerable enough to find your people takes effort and courage as well.

So it's not just opening space for new people to come in. It's, you have to be vulnerable because you have to be your authentic self.

So for me, I have to be in, in our small little town here talking about a spirituality and energy healing modalities and all the things I love to talk about, which are kind of seen as woo woo by a lot of people.

And so I have to, I have to really cultivate my own sense of self-worth in order to be vulnerable enough to share all that.

And because it's only if I share it that somebody will go, Oh, I like her. I want to hang out with more of that.

@40:01 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. It's a bit of a catch 22 because you have to be more authentically yourself. If you have. You to show your true self in order to attract the people who are like you or will connect with you.

And when that happens, then that gives you, I don't know, I'm not totally sure what I'm trying to say with that.

@40:32 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

But it's, it's a bit circular, like you have to be authentic in order to attract the people, but it's, but all the signs from, or all the conditioning from society is telling us not to be authentic.

@40:46 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. It's telling us to fit in. It's telling us to, well, it's, it's telling us to be nice. It's telling us to, yeah, continue to hold on to these relationships, to do what everybody else is doing, to fit in versus belong.

@41:01 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah. You know, and I've been doing some research on this lately. And, and it struck a chord with me because I felt this recently is that there are midlife women who are struggling with this, even within their own families.

Like they go to a family gathering or whatever, and just having Christmas here. I felt this as well, where you sort of go to a family gathering.

Somebody's like, everybody's saying like, how are you? What's new or whatever. And you're, and you're pretending everything is fine.

@41:32 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Hmm.

@41:33 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

And then you don't feel any kind of connection because you haven't actually, nobody knows what you're going through. And I just went, Oh, that's exactly what it is.

Because I've, I was going through that at our family gathering at Christmas, when I was really struggling. My first Christmas after separating and first Christmas living in two houses.

And my daughter had said it was the worst Christmas ever because she didn't want to wake up with only one parent there.

And it was really hard. I was. I having a hard time, and I had to go through the entire day pretending that things were okay, and I sort of like dropped a couple of hints with our other sister and a couple of mom and stuff, and nothing really landed with them, and so I felt so alone.

Like coming home from that, I just felt so crappy, and it was only like a week or two later that I had a long conversation with our sister and told her everything, and she went, I'm so glad you finally told me everything, and our relationship has changed since then.

@42:54 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah, you have to be... Because in a whole new way. Yeah. This was something else, Jen, that I learned from coaching childless women, because what are...

What we think will happen when we're going through a tough time is that other people will have compassion for us.

They will empathize. And we have these expectations of our family and our close friends to check in with us or to ask us how it's going or to know that we're having a rough time.

And we don't. Or they don't. You know, I've been in that situation myself when I was going through all my stuff.

Like I had my three miscarriages and was struggling to get pregnant. Nobody asked me how I was doing. And my immediate, my first reaction was they don't care.

They're not, they can't have, they don't have any compassion for me. Well, I never told them what I was going through.

I wasn't, I didn't feel vulnerable enough to call anybody close to me up. didn't didn't And say, I could really use some support right now.

I'm going through a tough time. So we have to take the first step ourselves. We, as a society, we do, I see so much of this.

We expect other people to know what we're going through.

@44:25 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

We expect other people to stop offending us.

@44:27 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

We expect other people to stop triggering us saying things that make us angry. And we see the world as lacking compassion, lacking empathy.

It starts with us. This is like, I think this is the most important, the crux of what, if there's anything, dear listener, that you take away from this podcast, it is that your belonging starts when you open up your heart, when you share your vulnerable, when you get vulnerable, when you have the courage to share something.

That is when you're going to connect. And connection is the... That's the root of belonging.

@45:09 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah. Yeah. The biggest fear for me in being vulnerable and sharing what I was going through was I was afraid I was going to be judged.

@45:22 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Exactly. It's fear that keeps, it's always fear that keeps us from sharing our most vulnerable selves, what we're going through, either afraid that we're going to be judged or afraid that we're not going to be met with the compassion that we need.

@45:37 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Right. That one, that would be too. Yeah. Yep.

@45:41 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And that's, we can't do anything about that. Like we can't control how other people think. All we can do is take a, take a risk and share the thing.

And, and then hopefully you have, you know, this is the, well, this is how you know who your people are.

If they're willing to listen and have compassion. Actually.

@46:02 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah. Well, that, that, I think that is. I'm. Willing to bet that if you share with the right person, they will be compassionate.

@46:16 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And if they don't, I mean, we're getting into my three C's of connection now, that whole process.

@46:22 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

If they don't, then it doesn't mean something about you.

@46:26 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

It usually means something about them. Like either they have not been taught to hold space for their friends who are in pain or it's too uncomfortable or they're in too much pain themselves that they just, they can't even provide that kind of support.

And how many people are in, like, we are living in a world of pain right now. People don't have the space to be supportive of other people because they're in so much pain themselves.

@46:58 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

That is true. Okay, so let's just sum up those, those steps then. What did you say? You said, have the courage to.

Let go of the relationships that are no longer working for you. Then it was have the courage to be vulnerable enough and open the space with new people.

And then I think actually, or to be not even just new people to invite them in, but people who you already are connected with to actually go deeper.

@47:33 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yes. So those are two big things. And then we kind of went on a tangent, but it's still related.

It's still having the vulnerability or having the courage to be vulnerable with people to open up to what you're actually going through.

An inviting connection. That is what builds connection, is when you're willing to be courageous enough to share your true self.

What you're going through, what you think, what you feel, what your opinions are.

@48:04 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

It's all about...

@48:05 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

about... you're going you're you're you're through, what You Courage and vulnerability.

@48:11 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

So hard. So this is a relatively new module in our program. I think I'm gonna have to do it myself.

So I haven't done it yet, Sher.

@48:21 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Oh, do the lessons.

@48:24 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

belonging module. So I'm really looking forward to the mini retreat, which you, Sheri, will be leading, which is on February the 8th.

And everybody, our listeners are all invited. It's online. One o'clock Eastern time, February the 8th. We will be talking about belonging and fostering a sense of belonging.

So if you want to join us, the link is in the show notes. I think that's a wrap.

@48:57 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

that's a wrap, right? Yep, that is a wrap. If you have found this episode valuable, please share it. with a friend who might need to hear it, or rate, review, all those good things.

We would so appreciate it. Thank you so much for listening. We'll be back next week.

@49:17 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Bye for now.