29: Why Confident Women Start Questioning Themselves in Midlife

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Why Confident Women Start Questioning Themselves in Midlife

If you’ve ever thought “I’m confident… so why do I still not speak my mind sometimes?"  Or maybe you still find yourself putting other people's needs before your own.  Perhaps you just can't stop feeling guilty when you try to say no. 

In this deeply personal conversation, we explore why midlife and menopause rock our sense of self-worth - even for confident, successful women. 

This episode gently dismantles the myth that confidence equals self-worth and reveals how so many midlife symptoms, patterns, and struggles are actually rooted in a quiet disconnection from our inherent value.

If you’ve found yourself:

• Over-giving, over-functioning, or people-pleasing
• Feeling guilty for resting, receiving, or even spending time or money on yourself
• Hustling for approval yet deflecting compliments and offers of help

…this conversation will land straight in your body and soul.

✨ In this episode, you'll discover: 

• The critical difference between self-worth, self-esteem, and confidence
• Why midlife (and menopause) naturally bring self-worth wounds to the surface
• How patriarchy, pronatalism, ageism, and productivity culture quietly erode women’s worth
• Why people-pleasing, over-self-sufficiency, and guilt are not personality traits but signals
• How ignoring your intuition slowly chips away at your self-worth
• The subtle ways self-worth shows up as:
  • Feeling like a burden or not wanting to "bother" people
  • Struggling to receive help, compliments, or support
  • Staying quiet in rooms where your voice matters
  • Feeling intimidated or “imposter syndrome” around authority, leadership or even men

Find out which of the 6 Midlife Coping Strategies are Killing Your Self-Worth. Take the quiz! 

References from this episode: 

Atlas of the Heart - by Brené Brown

The Wisdom of Menopause - by Dr. Christiane Northrup, MD 

The Let Them Theory - by  Mel Robbins

Join us in Costa Rica, October 2026 for our Retreat: Soul-Aligned - Design Your Extraordinary Next Chapter! Click here for details.

Find us on instagram:

 @midlifewomenrising

@jenreimercoaching

Transcript

@1:22 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Okay. I want to start this episode by telling a story, if that's okay. Yeah, go for it. About how I learned that I was hustling for my self-worth.

So back in 2021, when I was completely burnt out and sick every single weekend, I'd sort of push through the week.

I'd, I was sick on the weekends every time, like just exhausted and nothing was helping. Okay. So I was going to, like the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me.

I was going to my Chinese, my doctor of TCM. And she kept saying, you have no juice. And so I'd go to her and she'd give me a tea and I'd feel better for two weeks.

And then I'd fall back. And that was when. I started seeing the, what do we call her, our therapist that you recommended to me, Susan at Magical Life Institute.

Thank you, at Magical Life Institute, because I somehow knew that this had to do with my emotions and my self-worth.

@2:32 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yep.

@2:33 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

And when I started digging in to my own self-worth and realized how pervasive my lack of it was in my life, and then I dug even deeper and saw how it was connected to my, all my menopause symptoms.

That was when I had to really start figuring out why, how, why my self-worth was low, because I never thought of it as being low.

I was a pretty confident person. I've done well in life. And then how was it? What manifesting in my life so that I could shift that?

Like, what did I believe about myself that was, that self-worth was at the root of it all?

@3:23 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

I don't know how you even knew that. Because right around the same time, I was also seeing Susan. I started seeing her before you did.

And I remember the day that she said to me, she was asking me about, we're going to get into this, but she was asking me about guilt.

I was feeling really guilty about this pair of boots that I bought. And it was, these were a, like, expensive pair of boots, but they were, I loved them.

Um, I saw, it was during COVID, so I was window shopping and I ordered them online. And they're, like, made in Canada, made for Canadian winters.

I actually. actually needed some warm boots because I was walking so much, hiking, always, you know, walking on ice, walking in minus 20 degrees Celsius kind of weather.

@4:20 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

And you're rationalizing why you needed these boots. I was rationalizing.

@4:24 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

I'm still rationalizing why I needed these boots. And I was talking to Susan about how guilty I felt about buying these boots for myself because they were expensive and I was spending this money on myself.

And my business was just getting started. And so I didn't feel like I should be spending money on myself.

And that was what started the conversation about self-worth. This idea of guilt and I don't deserve this, that was how she got me to see that I didn't feel worthy of the boots.

I didn't feel worthy of the time, attention, and money to be like spending that on myself.

@5:08 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Mm-hmm.-hmm.

@5:09 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

But I didn't know, like it took me a few weeks to sort of wrap my head around even this idea that guilt and deserving had to do with self-worth.

I couldn't even conceptualize self-worth. I just thought it was like confidence. Yes. So I didn't even know, like you, it sounds like you had a hunch that this was at the root of what you were going through.

But for me, I did not, I didn't even know what that meant. I did know.

@5:43 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

I didn't know how to get there though. So I kept it, like she, I'd feel triggered by something. And I would say, and she would ask me questions about it.

And I'd say, I know the answer is, is self-worth. I just don't know.

@5:59 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

But I don't know why it's self-worth.

@6:02 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Like I couldn't, just like you, I couldn't make the connection. I just knew the right answer. And so I guess I'd read enough personal development books to know this had to do with.

@6:14 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah, I know the connection.

@6:15 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

I was just going to say, Jen, it's funny.

@6:18 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

On our retreat call yesterday, one of our clients did the same thing. Yes, asked a question and she answered, well, I think it has to do with my self-worth.

But she almost said it like a question because I don't think she was totally certain how to make the leap from what we were describing to self-worth.

But she knew that they were linked somehow.

@6:44 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Well, and it's exactly the path that you had to take with your boots. Because at first you're just like, well, I just feel guilty for buying the boots.

You have to go through the process of what is the narrative in your head? But like, well, I felt guilty for buying the boots because I shouldn't really buy them because it's for me and it's a lot of money.

And so you have to then make that connection. And at some point along that path that says, I don't, I didn't feel like I deserved to have them.

@7:17 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. You know what happened? I think I felt so unworthy of these boots that I manifested them going back.

Like I got an email a couple of weeks later that told me my boots are no longer in stock, so they won't be shipped.

So I was like, oh, okay, well, I have nothing to feel guilty, but anymore because I don't get to have my boots.

@7:42 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Oh my goodness. I was just talking about this in our Manifest of Magical Midlife and how like we can sabotage ourselves.

Yeah. If that's the energy, if you feel so guilty getting the thing that you truly want, something's going to happen so that it doesn't happen.

Yeah.

@7:59 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And you end up frustrated.

@8:02 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah.

@8:03 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Well, we could go on a tangent of all the stories I have about that happening. Like me feeling undeserving of something.

And then I break it, or I don't receive it, like the boots, or I cry. Like I did this with my new car back when I was, I don't know how old, like 24, and I didn't think I deserved this new car.

And I backed it into mom and dad's car. Like within the first couple of weeks of owning it.

@8:37 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

The car's going to go back. Okay, so let's, so let's talk about self-worth and, and how it is different from self-confidence.

Because I'm sure there are women who are listening to this who are going to go, well, I'm self-confident. I don't have a self-worth problem.

And people used to look at me. I remember Diane saying to me at one point, our other sister, what are you talking about?

You have a self-worth problem. You're, you're confident. You have a, you had a great corporate career. You, you, um, you're fine.

What are you doing? And she was actually getting mad at me at one point because she's like, what's wrong with you?

Why do you think you have low self-worth?

@9:18 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Because I think, do you know what's interesting about that, Jen? I actually think that she, like, admitting that you have low self-worth, there's something shameful about that.

Like, there's something even low self-worth about admitting that you have low self-worth. Yeah, that is so true.

@9:34 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah, that is partially it. Because it's very vulnerable to have to admit that.

@9:41 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah, and it's also, so if you are someone, by the way, who's listening to this going, oh, well, I don't have this problem.

Stay with us. There is no shame in this. And it is triggering, actually. Like, this can be really activating for, I've had women, when I've talked about this on my other podcast, I had people message me to say, I'm finding this really triggering.

Like, who are you to say that? That this is the root of the problem. And so it can be very triggering.

So if that is happening to you as our listener, stay with us with an open heart. And we're going to explain how this all comes together.

So, Jenna, I think we should start.

@10:32 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah, it's actually, the last thing I was going to say was that it's a human, every human feels a lack of self-worth in some area of their life at some point.

@10:44 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And I think in today's day and age, it's actually epidemic.

@10:50 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah, because of our patriarchy, basically, in our Western culture.

@10:55 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

For women, and also social media, advertising, all of the language around, like, you are not good enough. Everybody's triggered about something.

Triggers are the, that's the heart of it. Like, that, that is going to. Tell you where if you're triggered or activated by things people say that is hitting a core wound, that may very likely be something around self-worth.

Oh, almost every time.

@11:26 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Every time I get irritated, annoyed, like when we say triggered, irritated, annoyed, something sets you off, something pushes a button, it's a self-worth problem for me every single time.

And I don't think that's just me. So why don't we talk about the difference between self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence?

Because there might be some confusion around those two. They're certainly hard to define.

@11:49 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. So Jen, let's start with confidence. So confidence, actually, let's start with self-esteem because I think that's maybe a better progression.

So self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves. So it's the way we view ourselves. So you might view yourself, like I might view myself as, you know, back in my corporate days, I would have seen myself as, well, I'm a career woman.

I'm strong. I'm independent. I'm, you I'm climbing the corporate ladder and so I'm successful. That is my self-esteem. And low self-esteem would be like, I'm a loser.

I can't make any friends. I can't get promoted. And we go through moments of low self-esteem and moments of high self-esteem.

So it can shift and change depending on how we think and feel and believe and what we believe about ourselves at a given time or at a given phase of life.

@13:05 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Okay, go to the next one because that still sounds similar to self-worth. sounds to-esteem. Okay, so go to the next one.

@13:12 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And I want to hear all three.

@13:13 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

And then we'll talk about maybe some nuances.

@13:16 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Okay, confidence is not an overall evaluation of yourself, but a feeling of confidence and competence in a specific area.

So I, for example, feel really confident on my downhill skis. I feel confident in my ability to downhill ski.

I feel confident in my ability to build pay ranges, my previous human resources life. I spent a lot of years in human resources.

I feel really confident in consulting on human resources subjects.

@14:02 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

I don't feel very confident.

@14:05 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah, I feel confident. There's lots of things. I feel confident. I feel You feel confident about our podcast. I feel confident about speaking, about writing.

I don't feel confident surfing. Never surfed before. So I don't have any confidence in that area. I, you get the idea?

Okay. Then self-worth is recognizing I am greater than all of those things. I am worthy whether I can surf or not, or whether I can ski or not, whether I can group coach or not.

@14:49 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

It's a, self-worth is like a knowing.

@14:51 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

It's a deep inner knowing that you are valuable, regardless of what happens in the external. Regardless of what other people think about you.

I'm just thinking about how that's different from self-esteem.

@15:08 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Mm-hmm. So self-worth, it's not just how I view myself as like, I'm a shy person or I'm whatever, I'm a strong person.

It is, I am inherently valuable, whether I'm a strong person or a shy person or whatever.

@15:40 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah, exactly. Okay.

@15:47 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

It's much more broad than either of them. It is, and it's much deeper.

@15:54 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Like it's an inner knowing versus something that's based on external evaluation. Oh, so would you say self-esteem is more ego-based?

That's a good question. Question. I would say so. And yet, not ego in the traditional sense of how we view ego.

Like we always view ego as like this thing that, yeah, it's more like, it's how we think of ourselves, but it's so often how we view ourselves is based on how we think others view us.

So there is a, there's an external component to it.

@16:46 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

I got it. Okay.

@16:49 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

I think it'll also become more clear as we get into the, our later topic, like to really evaluate how you know where you're at on self-worth.

@16:59 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

So let's talk about why this is so important in midlife and why your self-worth gets kind of put through the ringer in midlife.

Yeah.

@17:09 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. So first of all, hormonal and physical changes. So the hormonal changes are causing physical changes in your body and how it feels and how it looks.

So your body feels and it might feel unfamiliar to you, like especially if it feels different, it might look different, maybe you've gained a little bit of weight, that feels uncomfortable.

Yep.

@17:40 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

And it doesn't, it doesn't behave the way it used to. Like I started gaining weight in different places when I hit my forties.

@17:49 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Like it started to, it started to come to my stomach instead of just my hips.

@17:52 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

And it always, when I was younger, it would always just go to my hips.

@17:56 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. And things started to feel different. I couldn't eat the way or, or drink alcohol the way I used to.

Oh yeah. couldn't, my body just behaved differently. And so it was a bit unfamiliar. And my moods were different, too.

Like, that also felt pretty different. Oh, I know.

@18:16 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

I've had people, I've had women say to me, like, I didn't feel like myself at all from that standpoint.

Like, I'd fly off the handle for something I never would have before. And they're like, where did that come from?

Who am I? Yeah. Not to mention all the symptoms also feel kind of foreign, too.

@18:36 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Mm-hmm. Or very foreign in some cases. Yeah. And then there's also how society views all of those changes. So our society, Western society, has conditioned us through media advertising that you're supposed to, and, you know, deep-seated patriarchal conditioning, that aging is bad.

That looking old is bad. Youth is beauty. And so when your body begins to shift and change, then. Yeah.

And you start to become like, oh, I'm no longer youthful. And that feels shameful. I know in our culture.

@19:21 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

I told you, I think that I had that TikTok comment from a woman who is Cree. And she said their tradition is matriarchal, and they see aging for women as something to respect.

And she said venerated.

@19:44 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

So that's more than just respect.

@19:47 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yep.

@19:48 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yes. And I thought that, oh, like, imagine how freeing that would be if that was the way life was.

Yeah, and can you imagine what our world would look like if there was no, like, what if there were no anti-aging products?

What if there was nobody saying? Take, like, use this cream so that you have no more wrinkles. Like, imagine we, maybe we wouldn't be so self-conscious about wrinkles.

And walking around with so much resistance to everything, to this natural process.

@20:28 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Right.

@20:30 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And imagine living in that Cree community where elders are revered. I read something about some other Indigenous cultures where the elders are revered.

And people, like, wrinkles were a sign of wisdom and that reverence. So people actually wanted wrinkles. There was nothing.

imagine? Oh, my goodness.

@20:57 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

I know.

@20:58 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

It feels so different. Okay. Moving on. Some of the other things that rock our self-worth in midlife. Shifting roles.

So this came up for me because I didn't have children. So the emptiness, the perpetual emptiness for me felt like, okay, now is the end of the line.

I'm going through menopause. I really am not, this isn't happening for real. And for women who do have kids, it's shifting to the emptiness.

Oh, I'm no longer, I'm no longer needed in the same way. So identities are changing. Quite often, well, there's stats on how many of the divorces in the world happen in midlife.

For women, we hit career plateaus. Notice our roles, or we feel this deep need to find a more purposeful, meaningful career or business.

@22:06 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

And Sheri, I found this when I was doing my... And menopause research in the academic world that many women, because of the brain fog and because we're not, we can't do as much as we used to cognitively.

Yeah. Like our cognitive energy wanes with age. Like over 40, it's like five hours a day is like killer cognitive energy when we have it.

And so then we start to feel less than at work because especially if you're in kind of the knowledge kind of careers, then you start to feel less than there and embarrassed about your capabilities.

And then women, many women start working harder because they start to feel like they need to prove their value as an older woman.

@22:57 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah.

@22:58 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

And they need to make up for the brain fog and the everything's taking longer, forgetfulness, all that stuff. Yeah.

@23:07 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. And coming back to the first one that... We talked about the hormonal and physical changes. Patriarchy has conditioned us to believe that a woman's value is tied to beauty, fertility, youth, usefulness.

But there's also pronatalism, which is that ideology that is sort of connected to patriarchy where a woman's worth is also tied to being a mother, raising kids, birthing them.

And so when we can no longer do that, right, when that is over, then we start to feel invisible, irrelevant, not useful to society.

So there's three forces, really. Well, there's more than three. There's patriarchy and pronatalism. There's ageism. And there's all this media and...

Advertising language that makes us feel like, oh, everything is supposed to be youthful. Yeah, it's a lot.

@24:21 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

It tells us we're not worthy. Mm-hmm.

@24:26 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. So anything else to add to that, Jen?

@24:33 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Um, no, I think that covers why our self-worth gets, comes to the forefront in midlife. Well, actually, there's one more, and that is what I learned about from Christiane Northrup, and she talks about how these brain structural changes are thinning, thinning the veil between our mind and our spirit.

@25:06 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Mm-hmm. About where I was going. Well, I think one of the things that comes to mind for me, Jen, is when we've been taught not to trust our authentic selves, our authentic selves meeting our intuition, meeting our soul.

Hmm.

@25:41 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah.

@25:42 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Fact-based is everything.

@25:44 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Logic. Yes.

@25:45 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Logic, analysis, you know, your intuition, your gut instinct isn't really to be trusted. And every time you override that, that quashes your self-worth.

Like, that brings you down. And that thinning of the veil, like that... Thank you. Thank Thank Thank The shift in hormones actually allows us to tap back into intuition, but we're so in the habit of not trusting it that it can, like, you then continue to quash that.

@26:23 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

That's actually, like, quashing your humanity, like, your soul. Yeah. It's telling yourself that you're not worthy of listening to.

Exactly.

@26:38 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah, and your intuition is coming from your body. You know, we have intuition. We get signals all the time from our body.

We have intuition about when we need to eat. Your body gives you the signal. But there's also very physical signals that your body gives you when it's trying to tell you something about whether you should take this next job or not.

And we don't listen to those. now. be... ... And we don't listen to the signals. We don't even know how to recognize them.

No, I know.

@27:15 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

That's why I was teaching it today in our class, in our program. Okay. So what are some of the signs then that your self-worth is waning in midlife?

Okay.

@27:31 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

So I think this is the most important part of this episode, Jen, because this is what is going to really help our listeners to identify whether their own self-worth is being rocked and whether it's coming to the surface in midlife.

Okay. So I think this first one is probably something that our audience maybe already knows. If you identify as a people pleaser or maybe a recovering one, that is a sign that you...

Are tying your self-worth to what other people think and do and how they are receiving you? So people-pleasing, even if you're a recovering one, you know, we think of people-pleasing or recovering from people-pleasing as being able to say no, right?

That's one. Yeah. I see that as one thing. There's many other ways that we people-please other than saying yes.

But if you think about just saying no to an invitation or a request because you don't have the time or the space or the attention or the money or whatever it is, you might be aware that you are a people-pleaser.

And so you call yourself a recovering one because you're trying to say no to that thing. But if you're self-worth.

And is tied to pleasing others, then your nervous system is going to get ramped up when you say no, or as soon as you try to, and your self-worth is going to shout out, like, no, no, no, I'm going to be worthy if I say yes to this.

If I keep myself busy, if I keep my calendar busy, or packed with social events, or if I say yes to this opportunity, that's going to make me worthy.

And so you won't, even if you know that you should say no, that you want to say no, you won't.

That's why you're a recovering people pleaser. That's why you can't say I'm no longer a people pleaser.

@29:56 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Sure, what that, the problem is, is that most people don't think in self, like, I certainly don't think in terms of self-worth all the time.

But what it looks like for me, or what it did, is... And I don't want let that person down because then I'm going to feel guilty.

@30:17 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

There's the guilt.

@30:18 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

The guilt is you saying, if I let that person down, it's not just I'm to feel guilty. Underneath that, for me at least, was then I'm a bad person and they're not going to like me.

And then I'm going to be a loser, which I hate using that word as an adult because it's such a teenage word.

But so it's I'm going to be I'm a bad person. Like it comes it disguises itself as guilt.

@30:49 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yes. So that's the sign.

@30:53 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah, that's a very good point.

@30:57 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. So one of the other things that I see as a sign of maybe that your self-worth could use a boost is feeling intimidated.

Ecstasy of manipulating you So you can see this in the people who go completely gaga about celebrities. Right. They're putting them on a pedestal.

Yeah. Which means they're putting them up higher than themselves. They're valuing them more highly than they are themselves. And you might be someone who is like, oh, whatever, you know, when I see a celebrity, it's no big deal.

The way that this came up for me, because that was me, I'd be like, well, whatever.

@31:48 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

I'm not one of those, I'm not a name dropper.

@31:50 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

I'm not one of those people who is, who finds importance in, I think that's the thing with this one, is feeling important because you know somebody.

Feeling is a level of importance because you've met or you saw a celebrity or someone important.

@32:08 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

And for me,

@32:09 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

This came up in the boardroom.

@32:13 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Me too.

@32:14 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Particularly when there were high-level leaders in the room who were men. And this is my patriarchal conditioning, is that men are more important than women, and men's opinions are more trustworthy and more important than women's.

@32:33 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Just note, that's probably not conscious, right? I was not conscious until much later.

@32:40 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

I just knew that there were, how it showed up for me was I just kept my mouth shut when I really, like, I'd bite my tongue when I had something to say.

And I'd really want to say it, but it was so against, like, maybe it was against what other people were saying or in the room.

Maybe it challenged what the leader was saying. And so I'd keep my mouth shut because I didn't. like Bye.

Self, like subconsciously, didn't view my own opinion as worthy as theirs or as valuable as theirs. I put men, particularly people at a higher level than me, at a higher, you know, point on the totem pole.

@33:30 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah. And I did the same thing. And I would also stay quiet in big boardrooms. Not all meetings, but depending on who was there.

And I was in this one situation at one point where our CEO at this one company wanted me to take this job.

And I really didn't want this job. Like it was a lateral move in our company and I really didn't want to do it.

And he eventually called me into his office and had a meeting and like strongly recommended it. I finally took it, even though like my intuition was saying, no, do not take it.

Didn't want it. And I went to, um, my coach, my soul coach at the, uh, she called herself this.

that loved And she said, well, why does his opinion matter so much? And I was like, because he's the CEO.

Of course it matters. And she was like, what? Why are you putting him above you? Why does his opinion matter more than yours?

And I was like, oh, it was such a novel idea for me.

@34:27 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Mm-hmm. Yep. Yeah. And it is so freeing when you can let that go. I was on a call with a CEO the other day, and I was sort of marveling.

It was almost like I could observe myself in the interaction. Yeah. And going, this is so different. This feels so different.

Then this younger version of myself would have been so intimidated. would have been nervous.

@35:00 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah.

@35:00 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

I would have been like, oh, this new person I've never met before, and she's like high up. And this time, it was just, we were just having a conversation.

And it was so liberating to not feel that, like, little voice that kept telling me, no, you're not as worthy as they are.

Yeah, you're not as good as they are or smart or whatever.

@35:25 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

What else?

@35:28 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

What I call overdeveloped self-sufficiency. This is, for us, this is our, the strong one coping strategy. Mm-hmm. The coping strategy we call be strong.

@35:41 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yes. So I rely on me.

@35:42 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

I'm strong.

@35:43 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

I'm independent. I can do it. Mm-hmm.

@35:46 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

So this is trying to do everything yourself instead of asking for help. Feeling guilty, once again, about delegating or asking for help.

Or it might also feel like this kind of links to the next one as well, like receiving, receiving gifts, compliments, favors.

Help. Guilty when you receive those, or you feel indebted. Yeah, like you gotta pay it back. Yes. Yeah, and sometimes it's, Mike and I both got, like we talked about this later, but we, my husband and I, we moved into a new house, and I could not for the life of me find the wine opener when we were hosting Thanksgiving dinner.

And so we went across the street and borrowed a corkscrew. And the next day, we were talking about it, and my husband was like, we need to bring them a bottle of wine.

And I was the one who said, why? And he felt so indebted, like we interrupted their Thanksgiving dinner to ask them to borrow a corkscrew.

Right. And so

@37:09 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

So we were bothering them.

@37:10 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

We were, like, burdening them. And so we need to repay them with a bottle of wine. And so, and I was the one who was thinking, no, we don't.

They just lent us, like, why can't we just receive that help without having to pay it back in tenfold?

Sure.

@37:31 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Not wanting to bother people can be a big one for some women. I've had clients say, like, they don't like to bother their boss because she's really busy.

Like, well, how busy are you? And they're usually busier than their boss. Not wanting to bother people. That's a big sign.

Yeah.

@37:54 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Feeling like a burden.

@37:57 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Not wanting to bother people.

@37:58 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

You're absolutely right. That's a, that's a really good one. Coming back to the, like, receiving, receiving compliments when you're constantly deflecting a compliment.

@38:09 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Or, you know, oh, this old thing, guess where I got it?

@38:12 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

I got it at Target.

@38:13 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah.

@38:14 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

When we're, like, minimizing how much we spent on something or it's deflecting, we're not really receiving the compliment. So that's another sign.

Excuse me. Here's another one that's interesting. When you feel excluded, when you feel like you don't fit in. So this has, this, I think this is probably one that I hear the most from midlife women is your relationships are rocked.

Once your kids go off to school, you no longer have that same connection with the parents of your kids' friends.

Yep.

@39:06 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

The other soccer moms or soccer moms or whatever.

@39:08 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah.

@39:08 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah.

@39:09 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Well, and if you're like me and you don't even have that, I don't have kids, so I don't have friends or parents of my kids' friends, it can really feel like, do I actually still have a connection with these people?

And I don't feel like I fit in, or they go and do something without me, and then I feel left out.

And that is all signs of, I mean, there's more to it. We go into this in the Midlife Red Tent.

Belonging is such a big part of life, and there's an evolutionary reason for the necessity to belong. But when we tie it to this must mean something about me, it means they don't like me, it means that I'm not.

They don't value me as a friend. When you make it mean something about you. So you're likely tying fitting in or being a part of a particular social circle to your worth.

@40:18 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah. There's also a share in my menopause at work research that a lot of women start to feel like they don't belong in the club anymore when they hit midlife.

Like when they start to feel menopause symptoms, they're starting to feel like they don't belong in the high performance club or in the club that's highly promotable, especially in corporate.

It becomes very, like I'm not worthy of being in that club anymore because I'm getting older, because I'm having brain fog, all these different reasons we've just mentioned.

Yeah.

@40:53 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. So I think, yeah, I'm just looking to see whether there's anything else that I wanted to mention here.

I think the only other one that I would say is, and this relates to some. One of the other things that we've already talked about, but boundaries.

@41:16 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

One of my favorite things to talk about. I know.

@41:19 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And that's, I'm surprised you didn't bring this up, Jen. We will not, you know, we talk about, I hear women talking about creating and maintaining boundaries.

And you will not maintain your boundaries if you don't feel worthy of them. So whenever you, it doesn't matter whether it's saying yes to something or whether it's answering a phone call from your mother, even though you don't actually have the emotional capacity to handle, you know, maybe she's having an emotional, going through something.

Or maybe a friend is, and they've called you. And that's setting a boundary. If you don't have the actual emotional capacity to support them, then you're over.

And that's, you know, you're overstepping your own boundary or you're allowing them in. And if you are exercising self-worth, then you would say and feel comfortable saying it without guilt, you know what, let me give you a call back later.

I just, I can't, you know, there's, I'm sure there's a kind way to say this, a loving way to say, I really want to support you on this.

Let me give you a call back tomorrow when I can give you my full attention.

@42:50 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

I actually have a list of those inside for our, inside our program. I have like a whole bunch of scripts for how to say, how to set boundaries without feeling like you're saying it unkindly.

Yeah. Yeah.

@43:05 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

So when you, I think a really, to sum this all up. When you feel guilt about something, there's a clue that you might be feeling like you don't deserve whatever it is, whether it's time, attention, money on yourself, or feeling guilty about letting somebody else down, or feeling guilty about receiving or asking for help.

Or receiving or asking for anything, whether that be a favor, help, your needs to be met. So it's when that guilt and feeling that you don't deserve, or feeling like you're not good enough, your opinion isn't good enough, I'm not good enough, those are the telltale signs.

Do you have anything else to add to that, Jen?

@43:58 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

No, I just, um, a lot of those signs have to do with pleasing other people. Um, and there are, like, there's.

There's actually lots more signs that are linked with our midlife coping strategies. And so there are six of those midlife coping strategies, and they are behavioral patterns.

Like people pleasing is a behavioral pattern. It's a habit. It's a way that you operate in the world. So not being able to set boundaries, in part because you're trying to please somebody else or not let somebody else down, is almost hardwired.

It's not even hard. It's not hardwired. But it is softwired into your brain. It's a well-worn neural pathway that can be shifted.

But that's one of the signs. So we have six of those that we talk about. And if our listener wants to know which of the six is your biggest or dominant one, then you can go to our midlife quiz.

It takes two minutes to do, and it will tell you which one of those six weeks. We've also talked about these six in previous episodes.

ACTION ITEM: Add midlifewomenrising.com/quiz to show notes for this episode - WATCH

So those are all signs. They're all linked to self-worth. And they're all ways that a lack of self-worth manifests in your life.

Yeah.

@45:26 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

So the quiz can be found at midlifewomenrising.com slash quiz. And we'll drop that link into the show notes. And the last thing that I want to say, Jen, about self-worth, this is something that really seems to land with our clients.

Self-worth is something that is like a muscle. And so we go through phases in our life where we're stronger and some phases where we are less strong.

Self-worth is like that. So we can go through phases of our life where we... We exercising our self-worth. We are continually following our soul, our soul's desires, our needs.

We're asking for our needs to be not. We're doing the things that are exercising our self-worth. And then in midlife, it seems to be a time when if we don't exercise or continue to exercise it, it's like a muscle and it begins to atrophy.

So we just need to get back to exercising it. And that's, you know, we've just highlighted some ways that people can tell if their self-worth muscle has maybe atrophied.

And this is exactly what we teach inside the Midlife Red Tent is how to exercise that muscle because it's not like you can just say, oh, that's my self-worth.

I'm just going to change that. I'm just going to be worthy now. It just, it doesn't work like that.

You have to start with... You know, the three pound weights and work your way up. And like a personal trainer, they give you tools and they correct your form.

And so there's tools and practices and ways that we teach people how to bring this back, how to strengthen your self-worth again.

@47:33 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah, think the last thing that I want to say, Sheri, is actually just to give a little hint about how to do it.

And that is all these subconscious patterns that we've been talking about and beliefs about yourself. That's what has to be released.

Our listeners probably know this. And we have processes and a hypnosis process to release all of those beliefs. And once you release them and shift them, then self-worth starts to come up naturally.

Right. You don't have to fake it till you make it, because that never worked for me.

@48:15 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

No, exactly. Yeah. Okay. I think that's a wrap. Would you agree? Yeah. Yeah. Good place to stop.

@48:24 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Okay.

@48:25 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Perfect.

@48:26 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yeah. So if this was helpful, or you found it fascinating, then tell a friend about it.

@48:37 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And go to wherever you listen to your podcast and rate and review or follow and subscribe. That's how this gets out to other women.

And we would so appreciate it if you did that.

@48:48 - Jennifer Reimer (virtuousradicals.com)

Yes. Thank you so much for listening. Bye for now.