30: How to Set Soul-Aligned Boundaries Without Guilt

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Have you ever said to yourself, "I just need better boundaries"?  But when you try to maintain your own boundaries, you just can't say no without guilt?  If that's you, then this episode is for you!  

In this episode, we dive into soul-aligned boundaries.  Not rigid rules, but wise, intuitive ways of knowing when you truly want to say “yes” and when you want to say "no". 

We unpack why boundary-setting feels impossible (hint: willing yourself into it doesn't work), the three parts that must be present for maintaining boundaries to feel easy, and the real piece most people miss when they try to “just do better.” 

In this conversation you’ll discover:

• How to spot the tiny moments you cave (and the surge of resentment that follows)
• Why focusing on guilt (and the fear or the emotion underneath it) is more useful than rehearsing what you’ll say. 
• A mind/body/spirit strategy that actually trains your nervous system to experience tending to your own needs as safe

We finish up the episode by offering a somatic approach to calm your nervous system, a step-by-step way to name boundaries that actually fit your life, and practical language you can use the next time a boundary is needed.

Want to go deeper?  Get our Soul-Aligned Boundary Scripts here. 

Find out which of the 6 midlife coping strategies is killing your boundary setting.  Take the quiz! 

Join us in Costa Rica, October 2026 for our Retreat: Soul-Aligned - Design Your Extraordinary Next Chapter! Click here for details.

Find us on instagram:

 @midlifewomenrising

@jenreimercoaching

Transcript

We know that many of our listeners have been told to set stronger boundaries.

And if you're like me, you have rolled your eyes and felt that that was impossible given your work situation or maybe the people that you're dealing with.

Or you know that you have to set boundaries and you feel like you can't, or you've been trying to will yourself to set boundaries and it's not working.

So today we are going to dive into why boundary setting is so hard, why it's so important to set them, especially in midlife, and what everybody else is missing when they tell you to set boundaries, but don't actually tell you how to do it without feeling guilty.

And then finally, we're going to tell you what to do instead. So Sher, are you ready? Yeah.

@1:07 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

I think this is actually, like when you talk about the missing pieces, I feel like there's so much, I don't know, I want to call it rhetoric, like out there.

You just need to have more self-care. You just need to set better boundaries.

@1:21 - Jennifer Reimer

You just, you know, you just need to do this.

@1:24 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

But nobody actually tells you why you can't do that in the first place.

@1:30 - Jennifer Reimer

They don't talk about why it's so hard. They just tell you that you need to. And most women that I know already know that they need to set better boundaries.

They just don't feel like they can.

@1:43 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah.

@1:44 - Jennifer Reimer

Or they're trying and can't do it. They tell me they feel too guilty.

@1:49 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah. Or just feel too much pressure or don't even think about it. Like it's not even, it doesn't even enter their mind at work.

For example, I'm working with a client right now in the workplace, and I'm watching her just – the leadership says jump in.

She does. It's not even a question of, well, this is cutting into my personal time here. I'm working 12-hour days.

@2:25 - Jennifer Reimer

I have a story to tell, and it was a couple years ago, and it's about not even considering that saying no to your leadership team or your board or whoever it is is an option.

And so back when I was still in corporate, I felt that way with our CEO, and they kept offering me this job that was kind of a lateral move, and I didn't want to take it.

And eventually the CEO called me into his office to meet with me, and he strongly encouraged me to take this role.

And I finally took it because I didn't believe I could say no to him. And I remember I had a therapist at the time who said, well, why couldn't you say no to him?

Why didn't you say no to him? And I was like, I couldn't possibly. And she said, why not? And I was like, what?

Like that was, that was mind blowing for me. And she said, you're putting him up on a pedestal. Why are you doing that?

I was like, because he's the CEO. Like it wasn't, so I know there are plenty of women who, who might not put, might not do it in exactly that way, but we certainly, I have clients that, we have clients that are doing that.

They don't say no to a client or their boss, or they kind of, they just jump. So it feels like you can't set boundaries.

Mm-hmm.

@3:53 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

I do it when it comes to sales calls. Like if I, we were just on, well, I can't, I.

And once I have a client, then I feel like, okay, no, this is my schedule and you need to book during my schedule.

But if I'm trying to make a sale, then I'll do a sales call. Like I'll relax my boundaries to do a sales call.

I just did it today. had a sales call. I don't do calls on Fridays. And it was the only time that this particular client could meet on Friday.

And so I said, okay. And then I got resentful because I actually wanted to do something else today. And this meeting was in the middle of the day.

I wanted to go skiing. I wanted to take the day off and go skiing. And this meeting was in the middle of the day.

So I was like, well, I'm not going to go skiing after or before. There's not enough time. So that, you know, you end up, well, there's one thing.

That's how you know. That you have relaxed a boundary is when you feel resentful afterwards. I'm resentful of the person who even asked me to do the meeting on Friday.

They just looked at their schedule and went, we can only do Friday. It's the only day we have for the next two weeks.

I have half an hour in the next two weeks. That's it. So they set a boundary?

@5:21 - Jennifer Reimer

They set a boundary.

@5:23 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yep.

@5:25 - Jennifer Reimer

Yep. Yep. I've even gotten resentful at my, I have these horizontal blinds in my house and they were so disgusting when I moved in that I had to clean them.

And there was this one Sunday where I really didn't want to be doing that, but I kind of forced myself to, and I didn't set a boundary with myself.

I knew I needed to rest and I decided that I was going to clean these things. And I got resentful at the curtains.

@5:51 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Mm-hmm. Yes. Yeah. That's how you know you're myself.

@5:57 - Jennifer Reimer

Yeah. You've set boundaries for yourself and you've.

@6:00 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Like, going against your own policy. Mm-hmm.

@6:03 - Jennifer Reimer

Mm-hmm. Yeah. So that resentfulness is one of the keys. And so I guess, Sheri, what I want to start with is to tell our listeners that it is possible to set boundaries no matter what situation you are in and no matter how hard it feels to set boundaries, even if it's with your mother or your mother-in-law or somebody that's really difficult to set boundaries with.

And when you do, especially boundaries that are aligned with what your soul truly wants, your life changes drastically. So true.

@6:47 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And it is possible for all of us to have that. Mm-hmm. Okay. So let's dive in, Jen. Let's talk about – first, I think we wanted to talk about, like, what –

What's happening for them? Like, what are they experiencing when they're trying to set a boundary? What do we – we just talked about one – what do I want to say?

Mm-hmm. Or to also, like, to support them in some way or to support a friend in some way. Emotional boundaries.

@7:49 - Jennifer Reimer

There's so many different kinds of – yeah, Sheri, there's so many different kinds of boundaries. There's – like, there's physical boundaries.

Like, there's some people who aren't huggers. And then somebody comes in for a hug, and it becomes really awkward to be able to say, like, to stop them, or you let them hug.

What do you do? So there's physical boundaries. And then, of course, like for a lot of women, the physical boundaries of letting, of like a man touches you in a way, and not even in a terribly inappropriate way, but a way that doesn't make you feel very comfortable.

And you sort of let it slide because you don't want to upset anybody, or you don't want to be the .

Mm-hmm.

@8:29 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

There are, so there's physical boundaries.

@8:34 - Jennifer Reimer

There's emotional boundaries, supporting friends. I have a client who is constantly supporting her friends, even when she has zero capacity to do it.

And she just feels resentful that her friend is calling her and that she picked up the phone. Mm-hmm. So yeah, if you're, especially if you're a coach or something like that, and you're not allowing yourself enough time to recharge, then always being the person that's the rock or always like I...

I was always like that. I'm the rock. I'm the person that my friends always came to when they, or come to when they are struggling with something because I'm easy to talk to.

So I constantly say, yes, I'll support you. Even when I don't have the capacity to do it. I've learned to manage that now, but back in the day, that's what I did.

Um, oh, so many different boundaries. Um, boundaries with, so perfectionists tend to do this one is boundaries where you can't stop yourself from making it perfect.

Perfect. So let's say it's a project that needs to, the project that you're, that there's a whole group of people working on, and you're the one that is always catching the balls that are dropped.

You're the one that's, that's responsible for making sure that it doesn't fail. Mm-hmm.

@9:55 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And the one that's staying up till two o'clock in the morning, making sure it doesn't fail.

@10:00 - Jennifer Reimer

We have some perfectionists who are doing that. So that's a boundary that might feel like it's other people pressuring you to do it and doesn't have to be that way.

Because what ends up happening when you do that is other people lower their bar and they just rely on you to pick up the pieces because they don't have to.

Yes. And then the person who's the perfectionist ends up working even harder because it becomes this norm. Mm-hmm. So what it often feels like for women is it's a moment, like a part of a second, a millisecond, thank you, where somebody asks them to do something or even they just make a decision.

It's not even that somebody's asked them to do something, but they've just made a decision. Thank Thank And it's sort of like a deer in the headlights moment.

And before they know it, they've caved on a boundary that they've meant to set for themselves. Or they're just moving forward on autopilot without even realizing it.

And just said yes to the thing or just done the thing. And so, yeah, for many women, it's that's – and then afterwards, it's like, ah, why did I do that?

Why did I say yes to that?

@11:31 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

But breaking down that nanosecond, Jen, in that nanosecond, it's, okay, I'm being presented with this thing, either a request or a decision to make or a – you know, somebody is asking for your time or your support or whatever it is.

And in that second, you may not even be conscious of it. But your mind is going, no, I don't want to do that.

No, don't have time. No, no, no. No, And then there's this guilt or shame that kicks in. That's like, oh, wait a second, I'm going to be a bad person if I say no to this person.

I'm going to be a bad person if you don't want to support somebody. Then you really feel like a bad person.

And so that guilt kicks in, and then you find yourself doing exactly the thing that you didn't want to do.

And it's all like that whole series of feelings, emotions, things happening is in that nanosecond. And then that resentment hits.

Why did I just do that? I didn't want to do that. Yeah, absolutely.

@12:39 - Jennifer Reimer

And the resentment might not hit till later, till you've realized that I've just worked till 11 o'clock at night, and that wasn't what I wanted to do with my time today.

And what I want to say here, Sheri, is what's causing that is your nervous system is revved up.

@12:55 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yes, important point. Because that is what happens.

@13:00 - Jennifer Reimer

It not be I'm a bad person and shame is kicking in. It could be my reputation is going to get damaged.

It could be I'm not safe to do this in some way. There's some fear that comes up. So your nervous system thinks there's a threat by saying no or not doing the thing or setting the boundary is unsafe for your primitive brain in some way.

And that's why it all happens in a millisecond because that's where our nervous system works is it like it releases cortisol into your system and you are like running in a nanosecond.

That's what the way we were designed. Yeah. So for our listeners who feel like there's something wrong with you because you can't set a boundary, I certainly used to feel that way.

I used to feel like something was wrong. I was like, why can't I set boundaries? What in the world is wrong with me?

Because I kept trying to will myself to set them and then would think there was something wrong with me.

Because I couldn't, without realizing that it was my nervous system. It was a perfectly natural response to something I had learned as a child.

And so once I realized that, it was almost like that was the first level of softening in my body because I went, oh, it's not me.

I'm not, it's not my fault. there's nothing wrong with me. Yeah.

@14:26 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

We've been conditioned. And, like, women are supposed to be the supporters, the nurturers. We're supposed to be nice. We're supposed to, there's all these things that we've been conditioned to do to please people, to not rock the boat, to be kind, to all these expectations that are on us that cause us to not feel safe.

Like, there was some instance back in our childhood where that didn't feel safe to say, to stand up for yourself or to say no to something or to, you're labeled mean.

be nice. We're you. You're labeled whatever, all kinds of things, if you're not those things. So it's not safe in that childhood moment, and that stays with you.

Then your nervous system ramps up every single time you're faced with a similar situation.

@15:21 - Jennifer Reimer

Yeah, absolutely. So I want to talk about the mistakes that some women are making in order to set boundaries.

This is so important.

@15:37 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

I think this is probably the big thing that is missing when people are out there trying to fix this.

They're trying to set better boundaries because everybody's telling them just set better boundaries. And so then we try these certain things that don't actually work, and then you get frustrated because you keep...

Failing yourself. Exactly.

@16:03 - Jennifer Reimer

So one of the biggest questions that I get is, how do I say it nicely? So when I put out my free scripts on how to set boundaries, I got so much interest in it.

And we'll put those in the show notes. So if you want those, you can have them. They're free. And it's a list of scripts that helps you to set a boundary while feeling kind.

So it's ways to say it or to delay setting the boundary. So it gives you time to actually think about it and then set the boundary.

So that is one of the biggest things.

@16:42 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And can I stop you there for a sec? Yeah. The irony of that is that we're still trying to be nice.

Like, they're asking, well, how do I say this in a kind way? How do I still be nice about this?

Yeah, because we don't want to feel...

@17:00 - Jennifer Reimer

That drive to be nice.

@17:02 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

We don't want feel guilty.

@17:03 - Jennifer Reimer

That's what women tell me is they don't want to feel guilty for setting a boundary. One section, my door is.

Okay. We don't want to feel guilty for setting a boundary. And we think that if we say it nicely, then we won't feel guilty.

And so I provide those and then follow it up with a caveat that that's only one part of the problem and a very small part of the problem.

The bigger part of the problem is the guilt. So what most people miss is they focus on the boundary.

So what most people do is they focus on the boundary and how do I set this boundary? How do I discipline myself or will myself to set the boundary?

And they'll rehearse it in their head. This is what I'm going to do. This is what I'm going to say.

And they try to set the policy almost. in their head as they're preparing to set this boundary. And what we really need to do is to focus on the guilt.

@18:09 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Right. Can I add something to that? Because I sometimes think it's not just guilt. It could be a fear.

For example, in the workplace, if you say no to something that your boss wants you to do after hours, or you say no to the request for a five o'clock meeting, because you want to go home and have dinner, then there's maybe an innate fear of, well, that's going to impact my performance.

I might lose my job. If we do layoffs, then I'm going to be the first to go if I'm the difficult one who's setting boundaries.

So I don't think it's just guilt. It's also fear.

@18:55 - Jennifer Reimer

No, but what they call it is guilt. That's what I always hear. True. True.

@19:00 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Those fears are not always conscious.

@19:02 - Jennifer Reimer

Like we're not always thinking about, like when I make a decision in the moment about my work or saying yes or no to somebody, I am not consciously thinking about a specific consequence.

Like, oh, I might lose my job. Those tend to be, those fears, like, absolutely, you're right, Sheri, it might be a fear.

And that fear might not be conscious. That might be what's running in the background. That makes sense. Yeah, I've tested this out on so many women and they keep saying, no, it just feels guilty.

@19:37 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

I just feel guilty about it. Like, okay.

@19:40 - Jennifer Reimer

Yeah, okay.

@19:40 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

That's, so that's where they tend to be at.

@19:43 - Jennifer Reimer

Now, if you've done some work on yourself, then absolutely, you might be at a point where you understand, you're like, okay, I get it.

I feel bad. I feel, or I'm, I am afraid that I'm going to be passed over for the next promotion, or I'm going to hurt my...

And mom's feelings or whatever. And what I want to say, though, about that is it is always, it always comes back to you.

Like, it's always, it always comes back to what you are afraid of, whether it's an emotion that you don't want to feel.

@20:24 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Like, we don't like feeling guilt. We don't like feeling like a bad person if I've let my friend down.

@20:31 - Jennifer Reimer

Or that fear of consequences. So subconsciously, it is always about what you're feeling.

@20:36 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

It's not about the other person. Right. Yeah, that's, makes a lot of sense. Hmm.

@20:44 - Jennifer Reimer

So, yeah, so that's the biggest mistake is, is trying to will yourself to set the boundaries, instead of focusing on the guilt, or the feeling that you're feeling.

Okay.

@21:00 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

So where do we go from here then? What's, like, let's talk about the guilt.

@21:09 - Jennifer Reimer

How do you get at that? Let me pause there for a second and just talk about what most people think the problem is.

@21:19 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Okay. This is actually, I'm kind of backing up a little bit.

@21:22 - Jennifer Reimer

What it feels like for, and this is what I'm saying, it always comes back to you. So it feels like it's everybody else that's the problem.

@21:33 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

It feels like it's the external stuff.

@21:35 - Jennifer Reimer

It's like, it's everybody else. It's the million demands on my time. It's the work pressures. You know, we have to make our numbers, especially if you're in corporate.

Like, we've got to make our numbers. have shareholders. If you're in other professions, like, I need to please my clients.

Maybe if you're in medical, like, I've got patients to care for. And lives to save. so we always feel like it's the external pressures that are the problem with us not setting boundaries.

Right. And it almost every single time has more to do with us. So the problem is an internal one.

That's why it's so hard to fix. Because you can keep trying to fix your situation and say, well, I'll set boundaries when work calms down or I'll set boundaries when.

We don't say it that way, but we'll say, you know, I'm going to say no to people at work or whatever.

When things are a bit quieter. And then that time never comes.

@22:58 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Mm-hmm.-hmm. So

@23:00 - Jennifer Reimer

Oh, trying to change the situation doesn't work because this is an internal problem.

@23:07 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And it's in those situations where you are so busy, that's when you need them the most. That's when you get burnt out if you're not setting boundaries.

Yeah.

@23:21 - Jennifer Reimer

And at a very minimum, you're just sort of living on autopilot. And that's one of the reasons why it's so important to do this work and on boundary setting in midlife is because one of the biggest complaints that we hear is I'm living on autopilot and I want to just experience my life again.

Like I want to feel joy again. And if you're just saying yes reflexively, then you're not going to live an extraordinary life because you're just going to be on autopilot.

You're not actually intentionally deciding what is aligned for you in that moment. Mm-hmm.

@24:00 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Can I tell a story about that? This feels like a really vulnerable story to tell, and I've told you all about this, but I think it highlights a few different facets of this.

So this is the story about when we moved from our house of 12 years. So we lived in this house of 12 years.

I was feeling so much grief about moving and all kinds of things. And so it comes down to moving day, and I'm feeling pretty good in the morning.

I'm better than I ever have when we've done a move before. I'm packed. I'm waiting for the guys to come.

And our movers come. There's some complications. They couldn't fit our stuff in their truck. They go with the first load.

And my girlfriend, God bless her, she offers to make me lunch. Oh, that's one o'clock.

@25:08 - Jennifer Reimer

I haven't eaten.

@25:08 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

So I go across the street and I'm eating lunch and I look out the window and there's another moving truck in the driveway.

It's not our moving truck. But I'm like, what is happening? I didn't get it. I start to panic because our guys haven't come back.

They haven't even gotten to our storage unit where we're putting our stuff while we look for a new place.

So I'm panicking because I think I've missed a message from our lawyer or something like, did we close? And they're ready to move in and we haven't even finished moving out?

Like, what is going on? So I go over. It's raining. They've got the moving truck backed into the driveway already.

The other, this is the people moving in. Their movers are there. There's five guys. Standing in front of me, and there's me.

My husband is already at the other end with our moving guys.

@26:09 - Jennifer Reimer

Collecting, yeah.

@26:11 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And they want to, they ask me, the first thing they said was, you seem like a reasonable woman. We just want to, it's raining.

You're going to really be helping out your, you know, the new buyers and new owners. If you, if we could just move a few things into the garage.

Well, one thing turned into another. And before I know it, I'm on the phone trying to organize the other, our guys can't get into the storage unit.

Before I know it, they've got the entire truck unloaded into our living room in the garage. And so now I've And you haven't even moved your stuff out yet?

@26:47 - Jennifer Reimer

I haven't, we, well, we've moved out, I'm cleaning, but we've got a whole bunch of stuff still in the garage that's waiting for pickup.

@26:54 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

So I'm like, oh my gosh, how am I going to, how are they going to tell who's, is who's, and-

I'm starting to panic because we haven't even closed yet. It's actually illegal what they've done. I'm feeling now, this is another thing that I wanted to highlight, I'm feeling ashamed because I didn't say no.

I'm feeling ashamed because they shouldn't even be moving anything into our space when it's not owned by them yet.

@27:24 - Jennifer Reimer

We haven't closed the deal.

@27:27 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And so I'm embarrassed because I haven't been able to say no. I'm crying because I'm so overwhelmed with all of this other people's stuff and energy in my space.

@27:39 - Jennifer Reimer

Well, not to mention all the stuff that you're trying to deal with, the people at the other end, the lawyer, the stuff, everything.

Yeah, right.

@27:48 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And what I really wanted was, like, what I was really looking forward to was some time in the house to sort of say my goodbyes.

to have an And energetic closure, that was what, when we talk about soul-aligned boundaries, that was, it makes me emotional just thinking about it because I wanted, intuitively, I knew that I needed some closure.

I was really grieving leaving this place. And I didn't get to have that because I had all this stuff.

I didn't even want to be in there anymore because all this other stuff was in there. And it was also on the back patio.

They were like, okay, we're going to try to keep it outside. So they put it on our back patio.

And that's where your memories are.

@28:37 - Jennifer Reimer

You had so many good memories in that house.

@28:41 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yes. And so that was the boundary that I had set for myself. I'm going to have all my stuff packed up and ready to go so that I can have some time for myself to say my goodbyes and to energetically leave Leave the home.

Right. Thank And then the moment those five guys were standing in front of me, pleading with me for reasonableness, like, you seem like a reasonable woman, they tapped right into my desire to be nice.

That doesn't sound like pleading, that sounds more like manipulating. In hindsight, yes, absolutely, it was manipulating. And yet, in the moment, I was relaxing a physical boundary, a legal one, an energetic one, and I did it all because I felt like I should.

There's the guilt, right? The should. I should do this.

@29:45 - Jennifer Reimer

I should be nice. I should be nice.

@29:48 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

I should be reasonable. I should help out our new owners who I had met and liked and respected. And so just by them saying that, I completely let all of my boundaries go, even though I knew intuitively, this is not what I want.

It's crazy. Yeah, I mean, I came home and I was so angry at myself. I was resentful at everybody, the movers, the new owners, and I was also ashamed that I had let go.

That's something that we hadn't talked about yet. I was ashamed that I had failed at setting my boundaries or maintaining them.

@30:47 - Jennifer Reimer

I love that you brought up that point about shame, because that is something that I feel all the time when I don't set a boundary.

I don't Or if, like, what's happening for me? Right now is I have this new side hustle, and I often don't know what the boundaries are.

Like, I just haven't been told. Right.

@31:07 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And so then, like yesterday afternoon, I let this boundary go, and it wasn't a big deal.

@31:12 - Jennifer Reimer

was a little thing, but I felt so ashamed afterwards that I had not set this boundary.

@31:18 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And my boss is standing there going, well, you didn't know.

@31:22 - Jennifer Reimer

It's okay.

@31:23 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

We just won't let this happen again.

@31:25 - Jennifer Reimer

And at the same time, I woke up in the middle of the night ruminating about it. And it's the shame that keeps us – shame is one of the biggest causes of ruminating.

@31:36 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yes. So true. middle of the night.

@31:39 - Jennifer Reimer

So that is such a good example of the different kinds of boundaries, how hard it is to set a boundary, especially when there's patriarchy working against you.

Like, you've got five men who – like, we grew up learning that we should be nice, and we learn through our religion.

Like We are second best, all the things. So you've got everything. You had everything working against you in that moment, making it so difficult to set a boundary.

We could probably do a whole other episode on how to stop the ruminating after you haven't set a boundary.

@32:18 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

So we should put that on our list. do that.

@32:21 - Jennifer Reimer

But so just heading towards wrap up here then, what do you do about it? And that's what, this is one of the biggest things that we work on in our program is you first need to identify the boundaries that are aligned with your soul.

Like what do you intuitively, truly desire? And that's the first step. Many women don't even know what they want.

@32:52 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yes. And that is actually a process that I love helping women get to is what do you actually. sure.

you're What And what do you, so that you know what to say no to, you know what you don't want.

@33:08 - Jennifer Reimer

Yeah. So understanding what you do and don't want is the first step. And then it's really focusing in on the guilt, on why do you feel, what emotions do you feel?

Is it guilt or is it shame or is it, what is it? And why are you feeling that?

@33:30 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And that is what start, helps you to understand what is at the root of, what is at the root of it is self-worth.

Yeah. I don't feel worthy of saying no.

@33:42 - Jennifer Reimer

And so what helps you get to that point of understanding is understanding what the emotions are around it and what's the narrative in your head.

@33:52 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

And we have- subconscious, like the that subconscious fear potentially, or the subconscious that we talked about earlier. What are the subconscious emotions or the subconscious fears or worries that you're not even tuning into yet that are keeping you from setting the boundary?

Yeah.

@34:14 - Jennifer Reimer

So it's really, it's bringing all the pieces together. It's the mind, like what are the fears that are going through your mind that are causing the emotions that you're feeling in that moment that you are not setting the boundary?

Mm-hmm. And then it's a body approach to calm your nervous system so that you can set the boundary. Because if you don't calm your nervous system, then it will keep thinking, like you've got to first teach, it's kind of, it's a mind, body, spirit approach all in one.

You've got to teach your subconscious that this is not actually a threat. And at the same time, you have to teach your nervous system that too.

So there's some somatic approaches that you can do as well. So those three. Boundary parts are what you need.

And if you don't have one of the pieces, it's actually not going to work. You're going to continue to struggle to set boundaries and you'll never have the feeling of joy.

I guess it's one thing to get self-care. Boundaries help us get self-care, but boundaries also are what allow us to experience the adventures, the joy, to do the things that we really want to do.

That's the exciting part about setting boundaries. It's the exciting part.

@35:31 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

It's also the parts that keep us sane. Like in my example, I just wanted that energetic closure. Like that was what I want.

That was what I truly desired on that day. That was what I wanted. And not setting those boundaries kept me from that.

So it could keep you from joy, from excitement, from adventure, but it could also just keep you from peace.

@35:58 - Jennifer Reimer

Yeah. Allowing you to grieve for something or for, yeah.

@36:04 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Totally.

@36:05 - Jennifer Reimer

Yeah.

@36:07 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

So wrapping up, Jen, then what I want to invite our listeners to do, because there are six midlife coping strategies that will keep women from setting boundaries.

You mentioned perfection during our conversation, people-pleasing, obviously. We've talked lots about that one. And there's four others. So, listener, if you want to find out which is the coping strategy that's keeping you from setting your boundaries, maintaining them, go take our quiz.

The link for that is in the show notes, but it's midlifewomenrising.com/quiz. So go take that quiz. And then we're also going to drop that boundary setting scripts in the show notes as well, so that you can set better boundaries and have the scripts for those.

@37:02 - Jennifer Reimer

Awesome. If this was helpful. think that's a wrap. Yeah.

@37:06 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Yeah, that's a wrap.

@37:07 - Jennifer Reimer

I was going to say, if this was helpful, then please share it with a friend and come back to us next week.

Bye for now.

@37:15 - Sheri Johnson (Sheri Johnson)

Thank you so much for listening.